The Art Of Being A Good Friend | Navaz D

This message was preached by Navaz at Word of Grace Church on August 4th, 2019. To listen/download the audio please click here. To listen to the Sunday's worship and prophetic contributions please click here

Lots of people claim to be loyal and loving, but where on earth can you find one? Proverbs 20:6 ( The Message translation of the Bible)

This book was written in 700 B.C , that is nearly 3000 years ago. The issues that mankind faces is the same. Why? Because the heart is the same.

Today’s topic is about Friendship, how do I be a good friend, and how do I find a good friend.

 We all live in a very mobile society. Where you were born is not necessarily, where you will live for the rest of your life. we have to learn how to navigate a very fluid society

The way we can navigate all this is:  We need to have some parameters or a grid /point of reference that is constant from which we can view things.

The starting point to having good friends isis to be a good friend.

To be a good friend you first need to understand yourself. Do you know who you are? How would you describe yourself? 

Self-awareness is key to becoming a good healthy friend. If what I do is who  I am then when that changes, my core will get shaken.

But, if what I do does not describe who I am, then circumstances can change around me by my core stays constant.

Do you know that you are created by design? When you know you have been created by design, you will know that you have a purpose. The Bible tells us that even before the world was created, the Creator of everything thought of you and me and had a plan for our life.

At the heart of good friendship whether it is being one or finding a good friend is

Authenticity, vulnerability, trust, respect and listening.

HOW DO YOU FIND A GOOD FRIEND?

We all have friends at different levels. We have acquaintances, close friends, and deep heart friends. We need to know the distinction between these and not mix them up.

AUTHENTICITY

People show up in different ways. We show up in different ways. Our aim is to be authentic in who we are, how we show up and how people experience us.

100% - What you see is what you get. There are no two faces to you. You are not one person in public and another in private.

75% - Is a person who can be 100% but sometimes will not show all of themselves to you if trust has not been established or they are not feeling safe in a situation.

50% -  Are people who walk in the shadows. You are not really sure where you stand in relation to them and you are unclear about who they are?  You are often confused by them because their talk and walk don’t match.

 25%- These people have huge masks and walls. They do not let anyone into their heart.  They can be fake or very frozen and robotic when it comes it interpersonal relationship.

There are many reasons why we show up this way – it could be past hurts, abuse, someone let you down really badly, family/cultural norms of distrust etc. If we have not experienced healthy love and affection as a child that can affect our bonding as adults. It affects our grid from which we build relationships.

TRUST

 Trust is earned, respect is always given. Healthy friendships take time to develop.  

Trust is built in the small moments – John Gotham.  There are opportunities to build trust and betray it at the same moment.

It all depends on how you respond. Is what I share with you safe with you? Can what others share with me be safe with me?

A person cannot move from acquaintance to deep heart in an instant. That is when most disasters take place because a false sense of intimacy/closeness is created where trust has not been fully established.

Good friendships say I want to give you strength in me to help you be successful, to pull out the gold that is in you.

Can we be trusted to keep confidences?

Trust is at the heart of every relationship. You take that away and you don’t have a relationship anymore. It violates the person just as physical violence does. This is assassinating a person’s character. Its murder undeveloped. Think about it.

Gossip is like bits of paper that are thrown in the wind. Who knows where it goes and can anyone gather all of it back?

“If you reveal your secrets to the wind,
you should not blame the wind for
revealing them to the trees.”

― Kahlil Gibran, The Wanderer

VULNERABILITY

The willingness to share something that needs to be safe with you. The willingness to show up 100% with no masks, no lies or pretense.

For this to happen I need to be non-judgmental for others to be vulnerable with me.

I can fall apart and will not be judged by you.

RESPECT

R esist patronizing

E xercise self-responsibility. Take care of yourself and let people take care of themselves

S uspend critical judgment. Don’t shame or jump to conclusions

P ractice – love, patience, kindness, goodness

E xtend yourself appropriately. Have good boundaries.

C onsider confidentiality

T take one another seriously- don’t be sarcastic or joke about a person’s problem. It can be hurtful

LISTEN

We often communicate to convince someone else about our point of view to win a discussion. The aim of listening is to understand. To have an accurate understanding of how the other person is feeling about a situation.

Sometimes all a friend wants you to do is to  listen with warmth and empathy.

Reflect back what the person is saying

SOME SIGNS OF AN UNHEALTHY FRIENDSHIP

• •You are being manipulated and controlled
• •Fear is used to get you to do something
• •Untrustworthy
• •Insecure about your other friendships
• •Unloving
• •Ego clashes
• •Mean
• •Verbal and /or physical abuse
• •Make you feel “less than”
• •Jealous
• •Agendas
• •Blows hot and cold leading you to feel confused
• •Fake
• •Secretive
• •Holds grudges and makes you pay by withdrawing affection.

LAST WORDS

Be careful of people who only take from you. We need a balance in our lives. Do you have friends that refresh you as well? Are you one that seeks to refresh others? Are you a giver to taker?

When your life is out of balance, you make wrong decisions. You trust the wrong people. You cross boundaries by overextending yourself in a friendship or allow someone to invade your boundaries.

 So make a list of people in whom you want to invest your time and energy.

Make a list of people of whom when you talk to you feel invigorated. You are important too.

CONCLUSION

If you start putting this into practice you will develop that constant strong core in you that will help you no matter where life takes you. You will be a better person and you will attract the right kind of people in your life.

Word of Grace is an Evangelical (Born Again),  Spirit-filled (Charismatic), Reformed, English speaking church in Pune that upholds the Bible as God's inspired Word for life. We are a church community that has people from every part of India and parts of the world. We are here to put the Great Command and the Great Commission into practice by equipping and releasing every member into works of service.  Word of Grace is a part of a wider international family of Churches called RegionsBeyond.To know more about us please log onto www.wordofgracechurch.org. 

Who are your friends and How to stay friends? | Colin and Navaz D

This message was preached  by Colin  and Navaz D'cruz at Word of Grace Church on the Occasion of Friendship Sunday on August 5th, 2018. To listen/download the audio please click here. To listen to the Sunday's worship and prophetic contributions please click here.

We all have friends. But they are not all the same. There are 3 types of friends and these tools will help you handle different types of friends.

1.      Close Friends/ Confidants: They are your friends because they care about you. They are with you through thick and thin. They are happy for your success. They are with you even when you have blown it. They are with you because they care for you and love you. You can’t have too many confidants. You have a few.

2.      Colleagues/ Constituents: they are with you because of a cause or a purpose. They want to be with you to reach their own aims and purposes. In life we have many of these people. they are your friends for a season, to help accomplish their goal. If someone else can help them do that, they will leave you and go to them. Colleagues are like scaffolding to a building. They are essential for a building until the project is completed. Once the project is completed they go away. The confidants are there for you, but the constituents are there for what you are for.

3.      Comrades: they are with you because of what you are against. You are together to go against something. People protesting for something are comrades. In life we must know how to distinguish between the three.

We need to know which friend is which. Never share your confidences with a comrade.

How many of you have fought with your friends? Often, we wear many masks to protect and hide ourselves in conflict?

Q. What is Conflict?

·        Conflict is having a difference of opinion on a situation.

·        Different interests, ideas.

·        Different principles and values

·        Conflict can be between individuals,  or a group of people

·        In conflict you can agree to disagree and still be friends. Your friends do not have to agree with you on everything.

Q. Is Conflict good or bad?

Conflict is Good! “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Proverbs 27:6. Would you prefer that your friend tell you the truth or give you the wrong advice to protect your feelings?

·        When done well conflict is good and healthy

·        Conflict brings to the surface things that are otherwise not spoken about.

·        Conflict is a necessary part of resolving disagreements. It is a win-win disposition.

·        Conflict is giving honest comments about a situation

·        Conflict helps to build bridges rather than walls.

·        There is honour and respect given in the interaction. Respect is always given, trust is earned. That’s why we need to know who are our confidants, constituents and comrades. But respect is given to each and every person you come into contact with.

·        The desire is reconciliation in order to keep the connection and relationship intact.

Every culture has different ways of handling conflict. These are some of the ways in which we handle conflict in our culture:

·        Don’t talk about it to the person.

·        Talk to someone else about it.

·        Sweep it under the carpet.

·        Silent treatment

·        Emotional blackmail

·        Pull rank – younger person cannot give the older person any feedback because cultural norms of respect.

Some cultures are very verbal, whereas some cultures are silent. It is good to recognise how do you handle conflict.

Q. When does conflict become unhealthy?

When we turn from the situation and turn onto the person. In conflict, the disagreement is with the situation. In Strife, the disagreement is with the person. It becomes personal.

Conflict vs. Strife:

·        Strife is unhealthy

·        Anger, contempt, bitter disagreement

·        Critical judgements

·        Grudges and un-forgiveness held for a long period.

·        It is destructive

·        The situation is no longer the issue. The person is the problem. It changes from “we have a problem” to “You are the problem”. It gets personal.

·        You attack the person’s character.

·        It is a lose – lose disposition

·        It promotes pride and arrogance

·        Seeks war and revenge- this is when conflict is completely broken down into strife and people cannot talk to one another.

Q. How do we handle Conflict?

·        Cool off. Don’t talk when you are upset. Maybe you’ll have to tell your friend that you want to talk about it later.

·        Talk about the problem not the person. Identify the issue.

·        Talk it over starting from “I” not “you”

·        Listen and say back what you have heard to make sure you have understood the person accurately. We call this reflective listening.

·        Take responsibility for your role in the conflict

·        Forgive, thank or apologize

·        Give respect and honour no matter what

·        Be willing to compromise

·        Work hard at keeping the connection and friendship

·        It’s worth it.

Disagreements do not have to swell into something more unpleasant. After all, we are all different- People with different opinion, wants and needs. LET’S LEARN TO DO CONFLICT WELL!!

Has anyone been able to identify confidants, constituents and comrades in your life? Have you had conflict with anyone? Access how you handle these conflict situations. There is no such thing as a perfect friend. Proverbs “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Q. What is the biggest thing your friend can do for you?

The ultimate thing someone can do for you is to die for you. This is a big deal! But I want to share about someone who has died for you and that person is Jesus Christ. Jesus came to save us from our sins and to be our friend forever. Jesus came on this earth and died on the cross. The universal problem that man is dealing with is our sin. But Jesus came and died to pay for our sins. And he says, if you believe that I died for your sins and rose again on the third day, you will be forgiven. And he doesn’t call us servants but friends. This Jesus is available to you today!  

Word of Grace is an Evangelical (Born Again),  Spirit filled (Charismatic), Reformed, English speaking church in Pune that upholds the Bible as God's inspired Word for life. We are a church community that have people from every part of India and parts of the world. We are here to put the Great Command and the Great Commission into practice by equipping and releasing every member into works of service. To know more about us please log onto www.wordofgracechurch.org. 

True Friendship| Colin D

This message was preached  by Colin D'cruz at Word of Grace Church on August 27th, 2017. To listen/download the audio please click here. To listen to the Sunday's worship and prophetic contributions please click here.

We heard many positive stories about friendship. But there can also be negative stories. This guy names Joy from Mumbai due to the company he kept, became a drug addict. He was sent to a rehabilitation centre. The day he came back from the rehab, he went to visit his so-called friends. His parents later on found him dead in a gutter because of drug- overdose. 

Choosing our friends is a matter of life and death. Today I want to share the wisdom of a man called Solomon. Proverbs speaks of a friend who sticks closer than a Brother.

Friendship is very unique. How can a friend be better than a sibling. 

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is there for adversity. The family might not be there for you for everything. You might be geographically. But a friend is there for all things. A friend sticks to you. We don’t choose our brothers and sisters. But a friend chooses you. So it is a unique relationship which cant be replaced by family relationships. Our friends can determine our destiny.

Young people think that what our peers think is more important than my parents.

Q. How do we get a right friend?

Friendship happens when we have a common cause, a common love, a purpose that both are committed to. When I was in school, I had a friend who’s mother would pack lovely sandwiches and at lunch time I would run to him. we had a common cause of eating well. You might have the common cause of environmental protection.

Friendship is not just for certain times, it is for all times. A friend is one, who when the whole world walks out on you, they are still with you. We don’t want to be fair-weather friends.

1.      Constancy

2.      Carefulness- Pro 26:18 – we have to careful and understand the emotional state of our friends. If my friend has just failed in a test and I say, lets go party, that’s inappropriate. We cant have too many friends, but a few friends whose happiness is your

3.      Truth-telling- Prov 27: 12-13 The enemy will give you kisses. They will be so sweet to you on your face, but the moment you turn away they’ll put a dagger in your back. You don’t want friends who flatter us. As a friend, you have to help your friends get in touch with reality because sometimes, people are not self-aware. That’s true friendship. We are willing to offend our friends and tell them the truth because no one else is doing that.

4.      Counsel- Pro 27:9 Are we willing to give good advice and help people on in our life? In our case.

There are 5 things to move our friendship level:

1.      Clichéd communication

2.      Facts

3.      Beliefs and opinions- I think GST is a good thing

4.      Feeling- I was upset with what happened today at the office. Or I am happy that something happened.

5.      Transparency- this is where you are sharing your dreams.

These are the things we need to do to be a good friend. The God of the Universe who made everything, he wants to be our friend. That’s the amazing story of the cross. Jesus paid the price on the cross for our sins to bring us into a right relationship with him. He died on the cross, rose from the dead and now he wants our hand in friendship. If you want to know more, come back next Sunday. 

Word of Grace is an Evangelical (Born Again),  Spirit filled (Charismatic), Reformed, English speaking church in Pune that upholds the Bible as God's inspired Word for life. We are a church community that have people from every part of India and parts of the world. We are here to put the Great Command and the Great Commission into practice by equipping and releasing every member into works of service. To know more about us please log onto www.wordofgracechurch.org.